Monday, March 5, 2012

Abandon Ship

I'm sorry this has taken me so long to post, I just didn't want to accept it. The time has come to abandon ship. All is, fairly, well; there are just shallow waters ahead. This has been quite the voyage and I plan to venture again.
Thank you. Stay strong. All storms must pass.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


If I think it looks wrong on guys, shouldn't
 I think it looks wrong on girls?
The mind works
 in mysterious ways.
 But this still doesn't change
my mind ...

Look pretty. Yeah, right.

Dearest darlingest momsy and popsicle,
I'm not that dumb. There's a note for you at the bottom.
I think this was one of the worst and longest weekends of my life.
Not only was it a long weekend, but I got sick and stayed home from school. Which made it even longer.  I hate being sick almost as much as I hate myself, and it really just makes me hate myself more. Lucky me it wasn't the flu, so I didn't get to throw up. I would have much preferred puke and be done with it. Instead I got to do nothing but sit on the couch for three days because I couldn't move from aches and pains. And since I wasn't throwing up, I didn't have an excuse for the endless soups and Popsicles. I didn't have much will to refuse anything either. I was a pig. I know, the scale knows it, and whoever is reading this knows it. But I think this finally gave me the self control I've been trying to find again for the past 8 months. I can literally feel the layer of fat between my skin and bones increasing, because it didn't used to be there. I need my bones back and I need them back fast. My stomach is round and bloated.  Didn't it used to be concave? I found some old pictures. When I was little, I really was thin. But after everyone kept telling me that I think I started to eat more. "if I don't have to worry, I'm not going to worry." Bad idea. Now I really need to worry, and I need to worry fast. I feel like the longer this fat sits on me the longer it will take to get rid of it. And I'm SO sick of being sick. I had a cold for 2 months before Christmas. If this thing sticks around that long again, so help me! Is perfection so much to ask from myself? Is the "unattainable" to great a goal? If they tell me I can do anything, why can't I do this? If I'm so thin, why am I so huge? If I help other people, why can't I help myself? Why can't I do this one thing for myself? Look pretty. Yeah, right.
Coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Minus the coffee and smokes, because I can't stand the smell of either. And I've seen enough black lungs to be scared away. And technically it's against my religion, but I kind of gave up on that about 1 month after I agreed to it. Somehow listening to people tell me all I needed to do in life was have kids sounded bit too much like a survival of the species lesson. And with a population of 7 billion +, I think the human race is doing just fine.
I should be doing laundry, I should be cleaning my room, I should be doing my homework. But somehow this is all I can think about.  
Thin ... thin ... too fat ... too ugly ... thinner ... smaller ... skinnier ... prettier ... better.
It's a constant soundtrack in my life, always there at the back of my mind. But it creeps closer to the foreground every day, threatening to take control of everything.
Who would have guessed one word could do so much?
To the endless pursuit of perfection ladies <3 Hope you had a good weekend, Stay strong!
Special Thanks to:

Dearest darlingest momsy and popsicle,
If you're still reading this, I hope you can't sleep tonight. I hope you can't look yourself in the mirror or me in the eyes until you tell  me to my face that you've been reading this. I'm not that stupid. Did you really believe I didn't know? And do not just say, ope, cat's out of the bag. she knows we're reading. Tell me to my face. If I had wanted you to read this blog, I would have told you about it. So tell me. Tell me you're reading this. Tell  me you're going behind my back. Tell me, mom, that you're breaking you're promise  not to read my journals, etc., because as far as you're concerned, this is my journal. Tell me that the trust you've always said you had in me isn't real. Tell me what you say to each other behind closed doors.  Tell me what you really think of me. Ask me all of those questions I've seen lurking in your eyes. Did you really think I was blind? For all the wisdom you've told me I had, did you really think I wouldn't see, that I wouldn't feel the tension, pulled taut like a cord, vibrating through the atmosphere when we were together? Did you honestly believe I couldn't hear the words within your thoughts disguised by the ones that flooded out your mouths? I just needed some room to grow up and figure things out, so give it to me! This was supposed to be the one place where I could say whatever I needed and just think things through. If you have a question or concern get some nerve and courage and ask me to my face! Don't go sneaking behind my back. I was raised better than that, and I'd expect more from you both.

Your not as dumb as you thought she was daughter,

Monday, February 13, 2012

The day before ...

I chose this title for two reasons. I read the book yesterday, and it's the day before Valentine's day.
The book was written in mostly prose. A while ago, I would not have read through this. But I bought the book unknowingly and so I felt obligated. It was amazing. :) We all "judge books by the cover," no matter how hard we try not to. What we sometimes forget is that we shouldn't judge the book itself quickly either. One of my closest friends this year, I hated last year. My friends and I spoke of how weird and annoying she was. Now I know her, mostly by chance and coincidence, and I'm so glad that I do. I wonder what my friends say now ...
As for Valentine's day, well I assume there won't be much to say. The afore mentioned friend brought me gifts today, a stuffed chihuahua who  resembled mine, Princess, and a bag of snickers. I love snickers, they are my favorite. Sadly I ate more than I am proud of. At least four squares. (peanut butter squared) I also had 4 small cupcakes. And a yogurt. And a few slices of cold cuts. And juice. And a death wish.
Why am I such a pig??! I just need to be thin! I just need to see 2 digits on the scale. To see size 0 on my clothing. I just need to wake up in the morning with an empty stomach and go to bed with the same one. I need to see ribs protrude through my leotard and hip bones outlined in my tights. I need knobby knees beneath capris and calves the size of arms. Hollows between collar bones, and shadows in my cheeks. I want my eyes to exude light, I want my smile to beam. I want my skin to be soft and smooth and my lips to be never chapped. I want my fat to waste away and no one to make me stop. I want to be perfect, and happy too. I want to all I'm not.
Sorry, back to Valentine's day. Our school was selling roses last week to be handed out in class. I want so desperately to receive one. I know more than anything I won't. Tomorrow  will just be one more day of plastered smiles and false hopes. Tomorrow will be no different from the rest. Tomorrow I'll be mad no matter how much I eat. Tomorrow I'll be depressed no matter how much I smile. Tomorrow I'll hate life no matter how many times I say I'm fine. Tomorrow I will know why I don't have a Valentine.
Today I woke up on time. I got ready and got the mail and brought it back inside and figured it would be all bills,  but I was hoping there might be a magazine. There wasn't a magazine filled with glossy models to taunt me, but there were college recruitment letters :) Like 12 of them. They put such a smile on my face. At least I know I'm still pretty freaking good at math. At least I know there's one piece left of the girl I used to be.
But on that note, I found some old journals when I cleaned up my room. Which by the way, didn't make my emotions feel any better. When I was 7 I called myself Ms. lost. I've wanted to die since I was 8. My parents are not horrible people. No one beats me up more than I do myself. But to fill yourself with enough self deprecation by age 8 that you wish to die? I suppose I have a new skill to add to my transcript.
Sorry this was so random. And I'm sorry I apologize so much. I don't really know why I do that, but you should see how often you say it, and how often you really did something you should be apologizing for. You might be surprised.
Happy day before lovely ladies <3 May tomorrow be filled with sill cards, and chocolate we're strong enough to give or throw away :)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Still here

I feel like I haven't been here in years, like a lifetime has passed. For the first week, I was overwhelmed. But then I felt distanced, each day I've felt more distanced. I almost didn't come on today. I know though, that if i keep avoiding this I'll never come back, and I can't live like that.
Just so you know, I didn't mean for it to be, but this gets kind of depressing.
I thought about you ladies a lot. About what you're going through, what I'm going through. I think this will make the most sense if I go back to the beginning of the tale that exploded last week.
I have a friend who is adorable, sweet, tiny, happy, energetic, and always put a smile on my face. She's the first real friend I've had in a while, and no, I haven't told her  a thing about what's going on with me. But a few weeks ago she told me a small story about her. She told me her mother slapped her for being a few minutes behind getting ready for school and then later checked her out to go shopping, buying her love. My friend is naive and loving and she forgave her mom. Then last week during lunch she told me her step dad had gotten mad at her for simply saying a mess wasn't hers. He grabbed her so hard she got a bruise. When she pulled away he grabbed her again, caught some of her hair, and made her sit in a chair in the corner until her mom came home while she cried. I told my parents and asked if we could be a safe house. They said yes, and invited her to talk, which she did. Her story went far beyond a small isolated incident. We made a plan to tell child services through the school. We though she would be removed from the home, and we were going to petition for her to stay with us.
Through all of this I had been supportive. I had been someone I'd never really been before. I'd told her I loved her, we loved her. I never say I love you, sincerely, and with all my heart. It feels wrong, because I don't understand love and I don't like the examples of it I've seen. I say it a lot because lots of people do, but I always thought love was something special, something sacred, and to say it to everyone seemed flippant. I do love you ladies, and I suppose I love everyone I say it to. Love just has a different meaning every time. Every love is unique. She needed someone to say it and meant it, I was there for her, I said it. I meant it then. But the next time I told her I loved her it felt different again.
Then the day that it was all going to happen I freaked. I thought about what it would be like to live with my friend. To be exposed to prying eyes all day long. To not have a moment for myself, to breath. At this point I was already weeks behind in school just from trying to help. If she lived with us I would be constantly surrounded. And what about our family dynamics? My mother has a big heart, a big house, and we just coexist, it wouldn't have changed much. But what about when we went shopping? What if she wanted to invite other friends over? And what about my father? I have always been daddy's girl. He can never stay mad at me, he always understood me. Knew he needed to ask, but knew he would never get an answer. He never said no. We always joked. What if there was another little girl? One who answered questions? One who didn't argue? Would our relationship change? I didn't know what would happen. The possibilities were drowning me. I couldn't focus the entire day. And then the school day ended and I talked to my mother. She told me the stories, told me what happened, told me my dad went, told me they all hugged a lot. I'm not very affectionate. The rest of the day I just kept seeing my friend hugging my dad. It was all I could see.
That was Monday. Wednesday CPS talked to her parents. Her parents didn't say anything to her. Thursday we were normal at school. I didn't see her on Friday. I haven't heard from her all weekend, and I'm worried.
Looking back I realize this all happened in a week and a half. It feels like a lifetime. I've torn myself apart. I've put everything on hold. I'm ready to get my own life back, but the pieces are shattered and scattered. I'm weeks behind in my AP class and woefully unprepared for a math test this week. I didn't get the role I'd hoped for in our upcoming show. I'm an emotional eater, given the past weeks, there's not much I'd like to say about food and weight. I'll just say too much, on both fronts. My emotions are a tangled pit in my stomach constricting my throat and tugging at my heart. My depression is back in full swing. I know I could just go to a doctor and get meds and everything would seem fine. But in my heart I can't bring myself to do it.
On the bright side, I received a recruitment letter from Cal tech. I used to watch numbers, which was a cheesy math/cop show that was filmed there, and it made me smile. I'm a math-head, so they were fun to here from. As far as audition season ~ 4.5 out of 7. I got wait-listed for one of them.
I went to another friends last night for a Valentine's party. It was all girls and they talked about boys. As one girl pointed out, I didn't say anything. She said  she thought I didn't want to be mean, and while that's true to a certain degree, the real reason was I had nothing to say. I've cushioned myself from that. I don't think about it, I don't "like" anyone and I'm pretty certain no one likes me. I never try. I roll out of bed and go to school. I drag myself through the halls and wait for the day to end. I do homework during lunch and I don't talk during class. I felt lost at that party. There's a reason I don't like parties. I always feel like I'm there, but it wouldn't change a thing if I wasn't. Besides, who needs a real party when there's a pity party 24/7?
There's so much more I want to say but I don't know how to say it.
I hope you all are doing well :) And if you read this I'm sorry. But thank you.
Stay strong, carry on, and may your mood be better than mine :}
And special Thanks to stillimagining :) Sorry I didn't say anything in the last post, but I always love what you have to say and I hope you had a wonderful tomorrow <3

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To forget ...

How does one forget? I have trapped myself within the same moments for 3 years. Looking back, rewriting, recreating, imagining new possibilities, picturing what might have been, conjuring false futures that will never be. I was a child. I want to forget. I want to live, and breath for nothing but me, and my future, and breath. I don't want to live in these memories anymore. I hate that those thoughts are always there, waiting to spring to the foreground whenever lack of thought provides. I've learned all there is to learn. I want to learn new things. I want to make new memories. But how can I, when the past is crowding my head? I want to remember the good things. I want to remember my life now. I want to live my life now. I don't know who to ask if not myself, but help me to forget! Whisk these thoughts away to a place where they are hidden and submissive. I need control over my mind. I need to move on. I need to forget. Nothing will ever change what has passed. Past has passed. Present is a gift. Future will be what I have NOT written. So why must these memories still linger?

Mental health day

Today wasn't great. I woke up when I should have been leaving and hadn't done any of my homework, or showered. But, I had a doctors appointment in the morning, and was able to talk my mom into allowing me a "mental health" day. When my mother was young her mother would allow her to stay  home occasionally if she felt overwhelmed and my mother has extended the same courtesy to me over the years. It was very much needed today.
Mostly I ate. I had wanted a small  bowl of good oatmeal. I was craving it. So, my dad made some. But the oats/recipe he used took about an hour. For oatmeal. During that time I ate pretty much everything in sight. I was a filthy disgusting glutenous pig. And the oatmeal wasn't even good. I wish I could say I stopped there, but then I made my own oatmeal. And then I had crackers while watching the first few scenes of Titanic. And then I had a burger and shake at a new drive thru/restaurant near my studio after dance. Please shoot me now, or at least break my jaw so I won't be able to shove food I don't need down my throat all day.
On top of my awful intake my hips hurt quite badly at dance today. They'd been feeling a bit better and I was so sick of keeping my leg low that yesterday I went all out. I stretched, I worked my extension, and just threw my lardy leg up in the air. Bad idea. I also forgot to sew new shoes so I was dancing in old ones.
I'm still not done with my room and laundry, and I'm an entire unit behind in AP. 
An all around not the best day. I don't even want to think about the mood I'd be in if I'd gone to school. And I haven't checked my grades since last quarter.
Now I'm going to go do my AP work, while a load is in the wash. Then I'm going to sew my new shoes. After that I'm going to do conditioning. I'm going to go to sleep with my dog who was so adorable today, and I am going to set my alarm so I can get up early, go running, have some fruit for breakfast, and have a better day tomorrow.
And we should get casting for our next show tomorrow!
The piggy mess I was today, I don't want to be that monstrous creature anymore. I want to be beautiful, I want to be on top of things. I want to be in control. I want to be perfect.