Monday, February 13, 2012

The day before ...

I chose this title for two reasons. I read the book yesterday, and it's the day before Valentine's day.
The book was written in mostly prose. A while ago, I would not have read through this. But I bought the book unknowingly and so I felt obligated. It was amazing. :) We all "judge books by the cover," no matter how hard we try not to. What we sometimes forget is that we shouldn't judge the book itself quickly either. One of my closest friends this year, I hated last year. My friends and I spoke of how weird and annoying she was. Now I know her, mostly by chance and coincidence, and I'm so glad that I do. I wonder what my friends say now ...
As for Valentine's day, well I assume there won't be much to say. The afore mentioned friend brought me gifts today, a stuffed chihuahua who  resembled mine, Princess, and a bag of snickers. I love snickers, they are my favorite. Sadly I ate more than I am proud of. At least four squares. (peanut butter squared) I also had 4 small cupcakes. And a yogurt. And a few slices of cold cuts. And juice. And a death wish.
Why am I such a pig??! I just need to be thin! I just need to see 2 digits on the scale. To see size 0 on my clothing. I just need to wake up in the morning with an empty stomach and go to bed with the same one. I need to see ribs protrude through my leotard and hip bones outlined in my tights. I need knobby knees beneath capris and calves the size of arms. Hollows between collar bones, and shadows in my cheeks. I want my eyes to exude light, I want my smile to beam. I want my skin to be soft and smooth and my lips to be never chapped. I want my fat to waste away and no one to make me stop. I want to be perfect, and happy too. I want to all I'm not.
Sorry, back to Valentine's day. Our school was selling roses last week to be handed out in class. I want so desperately to receive one. I know more than anything I won't. Tomorrow  will just be one more day of plastered smiles and false hopes. Tomorrow will be no different from the rest. Tomorrow I'll be mad no matter how much I eat. Tomorrow I'll be depressed no matter how much I smile. Tomorrow I'll hate life no matter how many times I say I'm fine. Tomorrow I will know why I don't have a Valentine.
Today I woke up on time. I got ready and got the mail and brought it back inside and figured it would be all bills,  but I was hoping there might be a magazine. There wasn't a magazine filled with glossy models to taunt me, but there were college recruitment letters :) Like 12 of them. They put such a smile on my face. At least I know I'm still pretty freaking good at math. At least I know there's one piece left of the girl I used to be.
But on that note, I found some old journals when I cleaned up my room. Which by the way, didn't make my emotions feel any better. When I was 7 I called myself Ms. lost. I've wanted to die since I was 8. My parents are not horrible people. No one beats me up more than I do myself. But to fill yourself with enough self deprecation by age 8 that you wish to die? I suppose I have a new skill to add to my transcript.
Sorry this was so random. And I'm sorry I apologize so much. I don't really know why I do that, but you should see how often you say it, and how often you really did something you should be apologizing for. You might be surprised.
Happy day before lovely ladies <3 May tomorrow be filled with sill cards, and chocolate we're strong enough to give or throw away :)

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* so so relate to what ur saying here dear...jst want u to know ur special no matter what & u dnt need boys to define u or tell u tht ur special because boys r just freaking immature twirts, especially teenagers...regardless, congrats on the recruitment letters & seriously u seem like such a smart & intelligent girl, pls dnt tell urself otherwise. same here w/ being mental disordered early lol, I was 10 when I tried killing myself...sending u lots and lots of love & I rly do hope u can enjoy the valentines day<3


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