Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Look pretty. Yeah, right.

Dearest darlingest momsy and popsicle,
I'm not that dumb. There's a note for you at the bottom.
I think this was one of the worst and longest weekends of my life.
Not only was it a long weekend, but I got sick and stayed home from school. Which made it even longer.  I hate being sick almost as much as I hate myself, and it really just makes me hate myself more. Lucky me it wasn't the flu, so I didn't get to throw up. I would have much preferred puke and be done with it. Instead I got to do nothing but sit on the couch for three days because I couldn't move from aches and pains. And since I wasn't throwing up, I didn't have an excuse for the endless soups and Popsicles. I didn't have much will to refuse anything either. I was a pig. I know, the scale knows it, and whoever is reading this knows it. But I think this finally gave me the self control I've been trying to find again for the past 8 months. I can literally feel the layer of fat between my skin and bones increasing, because it didn't used to be there. I need my bones back and I need them back fast. My stomach is round and bloated.  Didn't it used to be concave? I found some old pictures. When I was little, I really was thin. But after everyone kept telling me that I think I started to eat more. "if I don't have to worry, I'm not going to worry." Bad idea. Now I really need to worry, and I need to worry fast. I feel like the longer this fat sits on me the longer it will take to get rid of it. And I'm SO sick of being sick. I had a cold for 2 months before Christmas. If this thing sticks around that long again, so help me! Is perfection so much to ask from myself? Is the "unattainable" to great a goal? If they tell me I can do anything, why can't I do this? If I'm so thin, why am I so huge? If I help other people, why can't I help myself? Why can't I do this one thing for myself? Look pretty. Yeah, right.
Coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes. Minus the coffee and smokes, because I can't stand the smell of either. And I've seen enough black lungs to be scared away. And technically it's against my religion, but I kind of gave up on that about 1 month after I agreed to it. Somehow listening to people tell me all I needed to do in life was have kids sounded bit too much like a survival of the species lesson. And with a population of 7 billion +, I think the human race is doing just fine.
I should be doing laundry, I should be cleaning my room, I should be doing my homework. But somehow this is all I can think about.  
Thin ... thin ... too fat ... too ugly ... thinner ... smaller ... skinnier ... prettier ... better.
It's a constant soundtrack in my life, always there at the back of my mind. But it creeps closer to the foreground every day, threatening to take control of everything.
Who would have guessed one word could do so much?
To the endless pursuit of perfection ladies <3 Hope you had a good weekend, Stay strong!
Special Thanks to:

Dearest darlingest momsy and popsicle,
If you're still reading this, I hope you can't sleep tonight. I hope you can't look yourself in the mirror or me in the eyes until you tell  me to my face that you've been reading this. I'm not that stupid. Did you really believe I didn't know? And do not just say, ope, cat's out of the bag. she knows we're reading. Tell me to my face. If I had wanted you to read this blog, I would have told you about it. So tell me. Tell me you're reading this. Tell  me you're going behind my back. Tell me, mom, that you're breaking you're promise  not to read my journals, etc., because as far as you're concerned, this is my journal. Tell me that the trust you've always said you had in me isn't real. Tell me what you say to each other behind closed doors.  Tell me what you really think of me. Ask me all of those questions I've seen lurking in your eyes. Did you really think I was blind? For all the wisdom you've told me I had, did you really think I wouldn't see, that I wouldn't feel the tension, pulled taut like a cord, vibrating through the atmosphere when we were together? Did you honestly believe I couldn't hear the words within your thoughts disguised by the ones that flooded out your mouths? I just needed some room to grow up and figure things out, so give it to me! This was supposed to be the one place where I could say whatever I needed and just think things through. If you have a question or concern get some nerve and courage and ask me to my face! Don't go sneaking behind my back. I was raised better than that, and I'd expect more from you both.

Your not as dumb as you thought she was daughter,

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