Sunday, February 12, 2012

Still here

I feel like I haven't been here in years, like a lifetime has passed. For the first week, I was overwhelmed. But then I felt distanced, each day I've felt more distanced. I almost didn't come on today. I know though, that if i keep avoiding this I'll never come back, and I can't live like that.
Just so you know, I didn't mean for it to be, but this gets kind of depressing.
I thought about you ladies a lot. About what you're going through, what I'm going through. I think this will make the most sense if I go back to the beginning of the tale that exploded last week.
I have a friend who is adorable, sweet, tiny, happy, energetic, and always put a smile on my face. She's the first real friend I've had in a while, and no, I haven't told her  a thing about what's going on with me. But a few weeks ago she told me a small story about her. She told me her mother slapped her for being a few minutes behind getting ready for school and then later checked her out to go shopping, buying her love. My friend is naive and loving and she forgave her mom. Then last week during lunch she told me her step dad had gotten mad at her for simply saying a mess wasn't hers. He grabbed her so hard she got a bruise. When she pulled away he grabbed her again, caught some of her hair, and made her sit in a chair in the corner until her mom came home while she cried. I told my parents and asked if we could be a safe house. They said yes, and invited her to talk, which she did. Her story went far beyond a small isolated incident. We made a plan to tell child services through the school. We though she would be removed from the home, and we were going to petition for her to stay with us.
Through all of this I had been supportive. I had been someone I'd never really been before. I'd told her I loved her, we loved her. I never say I love you, sincerely, and with all my heart. It feels wrong, because I don't understand love and I don't like the examples of it I've seen. I say it a lot because lots of people do, but I always thought love was something special, something sacred, and to say it to everyone seemed flippant. I do love you ladies, and I suppose I love everyone I say it to. Love just has a different meaning every time. Every love is unique. She needed someone to say it and meant it, I was there for her, I said it. I meant it then. But the next time I told her I loved her it felt different again.
Then the day that it was all going to happen I freaked. I thought about what it would be like to live with my friend. To be exposed to prying eyes all day long. To not have a moment for myself, to breath. At this point I was already weeks behind in school just from trying to help. If she lived with us I would be constantly surrounded. And what about our family dynamics? My mother has a big heart, a big house, and we just coexist, it wouldn't have changed much. But what about when we went shopping? What if she wanted to invite other friends over? And what about my father? I have always been daddy's girl. He can never stay mad at me, he always understood me. Knew he needed to ask, but knew he would never get an answer. He never said no. We always joked. What if there was another little girl? One who answered questions? One who didn't argue? Would our relationship change? I didn't know what would happen. The possibilities were drowning me. I couldn't focus the entire day. And then the school day ended and I talked to my mother. She told me the stories, told me what happened, told me my dad went, told me they all hugged a lot. I'm not very affectionate. The rest of the day I just kept seeing my friend hugging my dad. It was all I could see.
That was Monday. Wednesday CPS talked to her parents. Her parents didn't say anything to her. Thursday we were normal at school. I didn't see her on Friday. I haven't heard from her all weekend, and I'm worried.
Looking back I realize this all happened in a week and a half. It feels like a lifetime. I've torn myself apart. I've put everything on hold. I'm ready to get my own life back, but the pieces are shattered and scattered. I'm weeks behind in my AP class and woefully unprepared for a math test this week. I didn't get the role I'd hoped for in our upcoming show. I'm an emotional eater, given the past weeks, there's not much I'd like to say about food and weight. I'll just say too much, on both fronts. My emotions are a tangled pit in my stomach constricting my throat and tugging at my heart. My depression is back in full swing. I know I could just go to a doctor and get meds and everything would seem fine. But in my heart I can't bring myself to do it.
On the bright side, I received a recruitment letter from Cal tech. I used to watch numbers, which was a cheesy math/cop show that was filmed there, and it made me smile. I'm a math-head, so they were fun to here from. As far as audition season ~ 4.5 out of 7. I got wait-listed for one of them.
I went to another friends last night for a Valentine's party. It was all girls and they talked about boys. As one girl pointed out, I didn't say anything. She said  she thought I didn't want to be mean, and while that's true to a certain degree, the real reason was I had nothing to say. I've cushioned myself from that. I don't think about it, I don't "like" anyone and I'm pretty certain no one likes me. I never try. I roll out of bed and go to school. I drag myself through the halls and wait for the day to end. I do homework during lunch and I don't talk during class. I felt lost at that party. There's a reason I don't like parties. I always feel like I'm there, but it wouldn't change a thing if I wasn't. Besides, who needs a real party when there's a pity party 24/7?
There's so much more I want to say but I don't know how to say it.
I hope you all are doing well :) And if you read this I'm sorry. But thank you.
Stay strong, carry on, and may your mood be better than mine :}
And special Thanks to stillimagining :) Sorry I didn't say anything in the last post, but I always love what you have to say and I hope you had a wonderful tomorrow <3

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Comments are always welcome! I could use your support and advice.