Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To forget ...

How does one forget? I have trapped myself within the same moments for 3 years. Looking back, rewriting, recreating, imagining new possibilities, picturing what might have been, conjuring false futures that will never be. I was a child. I want to forget. I want to live, and breath for nothing but me, and my future, and breath. I don't want to live in these memories anymore. I hate that those thoughts are always there, waiting to spring to the foreground whenever lack of thought provides. I've learned all there is to learn. I want to learn new things. I want to make new memories. But how can I, when the past is crowding my head? I want to remember the good things. I want to remember my life now. I want to live my life now. I don't know who to ask if not myself, but help me to forget! Whisk these thoughts away to a place where they are hidden and submissive. I need control over my mind. I need to move on. I need to forget. Nothing will ever change what has passed. Past has passed. Present is a gift. Future will be what I have NOT written. So why must these memories still linger?

Mental health day

Today wasn't great. I woke up when I should have been leaving and hadn't done any of my homework, or showered. But, I had a doctors appointment in the morning, and was able to talk my mom into allowing me a "mental health" day. When my mother was young her mother would allow her to stay  home occasionally if she felt overwhelmed and my mother has extended the same courtesy to me over the years. It was very much needed today.
Mostly I ate. I had wanted a small  bowl of good oatmeal. I was craving it. So, my dad made some. But the oats/recipe he used took about an hour. For oatmeal. During that time I ate pretty much everything in sight. I was a filthy disgusting glutenous pig. And the oatmeal wasn't even good. I wish I could say I stopped there, but then I made my own oatmeal. And then I had crackers while watching the first few scenes of Titanic. And then I had a burger and shake at a new drive thru/restaurant near my studio after dance. Please shoot me now, or at least break my jaw so I won't be able to shove food I don't need down my throat all day.
On top of my awful intake my hips hurt quite badly at dance today. They'd been feeling a bit better and I was so sick of keeping my leg low that yesterday I went all out. I stretched, I worked my extension, and just threw my lardy leg up in the air. Bad idea. I also forgot to sew new shoes so I was dancing in old ones.
I'm still not done with my room and laundry, and I'm an entire unit behind in AP. 
An all around not the best day. I don't even want to think about the mood I'd be in if I'd gone to school. And I haven't checked my grades since last quarter.
Now I'm going to go do my AP work, while a load is in the wash. Then I'm going to sew my new shoes. After that I'm going to do conditioning. I'm going to go to sleep with my dog who was so adorable today, and I am going to set my alarm so I can get up early, go running, have some fruit for breakfast, and have a better day tomorrow.
And we should get casting for our next show tomorrow!
The piggy mess I was today, I don't want to be that monstrous creature anymore. I want to be beautiful, I want to be on top of things. I want to be in control. I want to be perfect.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Not mine to destroy

As previously mentioned, I've been auditioning all month. It has been one of the longest months of my life. Of the 7 auditions, I've heard from five so far. (two were today and yesterday sooo...) Of the 5 I've heard from, I've been accepted to 3 1/2, (wait listed for one of them)
Last year there was a girl in my math class, she was tall and so thin. I envied her. Last summer we both went away to intensives. When we came back she was even thinner. I saw her again yesterday at an audition, and she's even thinner. I didn't think that was possible. She has the gap between her legs that I long for. Her thighs are no bigger than her calves, her derrière isn't there, and her cheeks are hollow. But her once perfect skin is now stretched thin and her face is marked with imperfections. She looks unhealthy, she looks as if she is soon to die. I told my mother that is too thin, that I don't want that. But I do. I know she must be nearing the brink of death, but death does not scare me.
It did once. It used to. Something would send me spinning and I would want to die, but I feared what death meant. Now I think of dying and I do not fear it. I don't quite long for it, but I don't fear it. Now when I'm spinning I tell myself "when I'm 18, when I've moved away, when it's my own life." When my dad found out I thought about suicide, he talked to me about it. He said he knew I wouldn't do it because it is the most selfish thing I could do, and he does not believe I am that selfish. I cling to that last thread of trust. But he's right. I think of my mother, I think of my father, I think of my brother. I think of what it would do to them, and of what it would to to their lives, to their futures. It is my choice, but their lives and futures are not mine to destroy.
I wish I were small and insignificant enough that I could disappear and no one would notice. I wish I were small enough that I could fade into the woodwork and never have to reappear. But I am not. I am trapped on this planet forced to live.
Today we went out to eat. When we came home my mother and I were sick. Tonight I got on the scale thinking i would be so small. I felt smaller, but instead I was up .3 lbs. I had tricked my mind into believing I was thin! I did not think that was possible and it should not be possible, because I treated myself in response. I need to forget about treats.
Now to turn the page, My room is much improved. It's not organized, but it's ready to be. I hate to admit that this is an accomplishment, but everything is out from under my bed, and everything is out of my closet. I have a ton of clean clothes on my bed, a load in the wash and more in baskets to be washed. I have a bag full of old pointe shoes that I have no idea what to do with, and a small backpack full of bags. I also have 2 boxes of junk, which is where the "ready to be organized" comes in. I'm trying to condense all of the songs/poems/quotes/journal entries I've written on paper over the years into one notebook so I don't have 3 copies of the same thing scattered throughout the universe. Now I just need to lose 5 pounds in a month and catch up on my schooling. And um, finish organizing and cleaning. I'm more of a "get this party started" person, and have some troubles wrapping things up.
I'm going to try and be on here every day again :) I miss all of you, and I miss writing.

Special thanks <3 to:
Emma Phoenix
Marla Singer
~ Thank you all :) I'm going to be attending :D I can't wait, and I can't wait to get out of here. Sometimes a change of scenery is good <3

Stay strong lovely girls! I  hope your scenery is picturesque <3

Monday, January 23, 2012

Step by step

I'm sorry it's been so long. Busy can not describe these past few weeks, or the weeks to come. After a long time of chaos I've decided to start with organizing the pieces of the world around me, and if I ever do finish, organize the pieces within my mind. So far I've cleaned out my bathroom and I'm 1/4 of the way done with my room. My backpack is once again the orderly array of school supplies it was at the beginning of the year. Step by step.
I'm really struggling with weekends and just with my family in general to be able to lose weight. It's begun to feel like any progress made during the week just regresses over the weekend. So this is still an uphill battle I've yet to understand how to climb. But I do start P.E. and therefor cardio this new quarter.
Which brings me to amazing news part 1. I got my 4.0!!! A few of my classes were close, but I'm not going to care. When I apply to college they'll see a perfect row of A's.
And what is amazing news part 2? I was accepted to the American Ballet Theater's Summer intensive in NEW YORK CITY! (please pardon my shouting, I'm not trying to be rude.) That probably doesn't mean much to many of you, but it's an amazing opportunity and I can't believe I got in.
If I don't post very often over the next few weeks it's because I'm either busy, or my mother is borrowing my computer. Which happens a lot.
My hips are doing a good deal better. Not entirely healed but on their way. Miss and love you girls <3
Special thanks to:
stillimagining thank you :) I don't really know where it came from. But I enjoyed writing it and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.
Till next time, and hopefully sooner rather than later. I'm staying in the loop as well as I can on my phone. We will all reach our destinations, step by step and in leaps and bounds.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The shores ...

Telling you in advance, this post is really random. Sorry it's been a few days. Someone found this before I was ready, and I was going to disappear, shut down, hide. But this is my sanctuary. I love this and I need this. So, if they're still being nosy that's their problem, and if they send me to a shrink before I'm ready it's a waste of their money. (and everyone's time)

Sorry for the little rant.

My friends don't know the real me, but strangers don't know who my friends do. Sometimes there's just always one more layer. Even for me, because I'm digging, and I still don't know who I want to be. I look in the mirror and have no idea what I am, I search my mind and have no idea who I am. I know I am "me", but I don't know what defines me. I'll search in every way I know how but I don't think I'll ever know. I think who we truly are is defined only at death and right now I'm just molding my clay. In the end I'll be marred, dried, hard, but the glaze will dull the scars.

I've heard it said we were made from earth's dust, I know dust is what we become.
Our mind is the water holding wet sand together, our thoughts every rough grain of sand.
Like the shore of the beach, we face life's horizon, unsure of storms yet to come.
But at the eye of the storm the horizon's still there, waiting to send life's next turn.
The sun both redeems us and gives light to our fears, The moon and the stars boundless goals.
The sea's endless masses our constant companions, it surrounds us and swallows us whole.
Each crash of the waves a new lesson learned, the shells a ghostly reminder.
The breeze off the sea is calming and cool, but life is teeming within us.

Okay, um, I'm not entirely certain where that came from. It just sort of happened. I suppose that's what I get for waking up at 2:30 a.m.
Unless something goes terribly wrong, I think I'll have my 4.0. *sigh of relief* and I lost that other lb. I'd gained back. Auditions again this weekend; hopefully my hip will cooperate. Jay, I overworked myself during auditions last weekend and strained the tendons in the front of my hip :/ It's fine for everyday normal human activities, but I can't lift it or turnout very well which is problematic for ballet. Rested it all week so we'll see how it does this weekend. I have a ton of AP homework I should be doing right now but I'll probably just do it during my other classes. I have a 2 or 3 of tests next week and then the quarter, and semester are over.
Fresh start with grades, new classes, gym (bitter/sweet), and sewing. and hopefully casting will go up in early February. I don't know if I can reach the ultimate goal of 86 lb by my birthday (2 months) but I also don't know that I want to anymore. I think it might be too unhealthy. I do want to reach 94 by my birthday, and 92 would be incredible.
Glad I chose to stay.
Love you lovely ladies! Don't let fear push you around. <3

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Flippant ...

To write anything after last night feels flippant and of little consequence in comparison, but I can't abandon my only outlet because I don't feel worthy of it right now either.  I suppose it comes with the territory of being numb. Moments of unbearable pain, and moments with nothing to bear. The result of seeing the world through a veil and showing only a semblance of a human being.
My grades seem to be at a standstill. We got our PLAN test (pre-ACT) results today and they were a bit better than the PSAT (pre-SAT). 99th percentile vs. 96th or 4th, can't remember :P I had an injury so I took it easy and slowly in ballet today. Sadly, I did not avoid the cookies. But I did ask my mother to buy some fruit and veggies next time, and some turkey. I've decided to eat small amounts of these things instead because fasting, at this time, is too difficult for me. Maybe in a week or two. But I don't want to keep binging just because I can't control a fast yet, so I'm going to start by simply limiting my intake. I start gym next semester and that should help because of the cardio and my self enforced lack of access to food at school. I teased a friend at school today about her crush, complained about a broken shoe, and felt almost ... normal. It felt fake, but it felt normal.
stillimagining, thank you so much. I almost came to tears again reading your comment. I cannot thank you enough and I hope that I can see things that way too someday (: reading it helped me get through the day.
Goal updates:
Grades ~ same as yesterday :/
weight ~ same as yesterday :(
We can do it! We will get through it! It'll just be a bumpy road. <3

Update ~
The feeling of deep breath, a real breath, is amazing. And it's the smallest things that let you take one. (: I hope every girl out there took at least one wonderful breath today, because since we're stuck here breathing, we might as well enjoy a few.

Monday, January 9, 2012

To be Honest ...

Before you read this I want you to know it's not happy, but it's true. It's only a small beginning, because I cannot truly express what I feel. I've suppressed my emotions for too many years. I also want you to know that it would mean the world to me if you read it, because this is the most honest I've ever been.

This summer and last year I would constantly have a vision. Wandering the halls, standing in class, waiting.
I fall through the floor.
I collapse.
I am in a dark room with walls and floors smooth; and cool to the touch.
No one is there.
It is silent.
I don't cry for help.
Then I watch, floating, as my body curls into a fetal position or sprawls across the cool small space. Embracing the chill. I watch as my body wastes away. It seems painless, beautiful, peaceful.

And then I am awake, brought back to the world that is my present. To a too bright sun and too many smiles. To an image of perfection; about to shatter. Weak, feeble, brittle.
Every day tips me closer to an inevitable fall. A fall into misery, a fall into pain, a fall into a revealing. Everything I hear has double meaning, and in my mind fear of being found out and hope that someone has noticed war within me. I am too afraid of my facade being removed. I am too afraid of my fragile image being crushed in understanding. But at the same time I want more than anything for someone to understand. I want someone to understand that my grades mean everything to me, that they are the very future I cling to. I want someone to understand what it feels like to have my mother compete with me, objectify me, display me. I want someone to understand what it's like to need to cry, and be unable to tell why. I want someone to understand that I feel unloved, and unlovable. To understand what it feels like for every normal hope and dream to be out of reach. I want someone to understand what it feels like to never forget a mistake, to never forgive myself, even when I forgive someone else. I want someone to understand what it feels like to never feel beautiful, to never feel good enough, to never feel proud, or happy, or accomplished. I want someone to understand what it feels like to not find the words, to be lost within their own mind and thoughts. To feel numb, invisible. I want someone to understand what it feels like to have nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, no one to hold or be held by, no control, no love, no pleasure. I want someone to understand what it feels like to always be playing your cards. I want someone to understand what it feels like to never fit in, because you don't exist, because you don't know who or what you are. I want someone to understand what it feels like to always be unsure, to always feel betrayed by themselves. I want someone to understand what it feels like to want to die. I want someone to understand what it feels like to see no future for yourself. I want someone to understand what it feels like to be me.
I know you lovely girls might feel some of this. And I am so sorry if you do. No matter how much I wish some one understood, I would not wish this on anyone. I know some of you will empathize. I know for some it's worse. I know I can't be the only one. But at the same time, I don't know that.
We can only see what people want us to see. We can only understand what they explain.
I feel like a black hole, a brilliant star that has destroyed itself. Void of all light, trapping it, concealing it, losing it.
My mother used to do everything for me. Support me in all I do. looking back I feel like it was all for her, all for show.
Now I'm in high school, and my parents are divorced. She's shorter than me, and weighs 60-70 lb more. She wants to be thinner than me. I swear she wants me to be as big as her, and the thought has me terrified. She is partying, she's wasting the little money we have. She's dating and making horrible decisions supporting boyfriend after boyfriend when we can't even pay the mortgage, and she has the gal to ask me for advice.
When I was little, maybe 5 or 6, all I dreamed of was a normal family afternoon. I don't know how many times I drew the same picture of my parents happy on a blanket with me and my brother on the swings. That's all I wanted, one happy afternoon.
When I started middle school all I wanted was my mother to help me through. And all she did was ruin it. The second I thought a boy liked me she started competing with me. She never let a moment pass without telling me about all of the guys flirting with her on the Internet.
I am her, currently, 15 year old daughter. To hear my mother tell stories of strangers objectifying her is ... indescribable.
And now I fear relationships.
Now I'm in high school and all I want is to disappear.
I have friends who are madly in love, and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. The thought that anyone could love me seems impossible; and the thought of someone touching me, holding me, is both my deepest desire, and darkest fear.
luv you ladies as much as I can <3 

Not good; But not horrible

Weekend + travel + family = not good for weight loss
good at tests + extra credit + finishing homework during classes = good for grades

My auditions this past weekend were not good, but they were not horrible. I didn't feel at the top of my game but I felt like I was towards the top of the group comparatively speaking. Now for the 2 week wait for results. While speaking of dance, we won't be getting casting until next month most likely, a full 2 1/2 months later than originally planned. All of this waiting is gnawing at my brain  and making it hard to function.

Not to mention my self loathing for being so bad this weekend. I've gained 2 lb. Ugh! I was off to such a good start. I suppose I'll have to start over now. I'm hoping to go to the market with my mother and pick up some fruit. As of now the only things in the house are cookies and other such starches :( To the fast! I need to get rid of this weight, I need to be small, I need to be thin, I need to fit into all of my old clothes, I need them to be big, I need to be perfect.
Goal updates ~
Grades: .8% to go in chem; 1.7% to go in AP European History; barley an A in Spanish
Weight: up 2 lb.
tomorrow ~ green tea and water fast; rest my injury; keep away from the freaking cookies; try not to hate myself so much ( not going to happen ...)
It's a new week! Lets do this girlies!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Road block

Families are impossible. Tomorrow I fly out for auditions so my mom decided we were having dinner tonight, with her boyfriend. I started spending a little bit more time with my brother lately and neither of us wanted to be there or felt comfortable. We started messing with each other, thumb wars, joking, I was actually having fun, it felt really good. It felt right. At the end of dinner mother said we were driving her insane. She complained that we'd been talking all night. I asked her if she didn't want us to talk. She didn't say anything. My brother and I were silent the rest of the night with an agreement to signal and say "children are to be seen not heard" if addressed. We never had to signal each other. The worst part was the food though. I wasn't even hungry when we went in but when I pushed it away after a few bites mother gave me the most awful look. At least I filled up on salad so she didn't make me finish it.
I wanted to purge so badly, but I've never done it and I'm scared of all of the things that could happen. Especially since I already have acid reflex from stress. I'm spending tomorrow with my Aunt and I don't know how to get out of dinner. Lunch will be easy, I can just say I don't to be queasy at the audition. Same with breakfast Sunday morning. Does anyone have suggestions for dinner though? They never see me so I'm pretty sure it will be a sit down dinner.
All hope is not lost though. I obviously need to find a way to avoid dinner. Sunday will be good, as will next week. My grades are getting better too :) I'm trying to find the happy moments. I love the flashes I see of a thinner me. Even if they're surrounded by images of who I am; what I am. This body of flesh; of fat and tissues with memories that meander through every moment and permeate my mind manipulating my every action, my every choice.
I need to start fresh, I need to forget.
Goal updates ~
Grades: 1.2% to go in chem; 1% to go in Spanish; 4% to go in AP
We can do it lovely ladies!
Special thanks to tori-maki and stillimagining <3

Thursday, January 5, 2012


I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at me. This is not who I remember. Not this girl with dead eyes. Not this face with faded freckles, this smile with lips pulled tight over braces. Not this body. I remember being vibrant once, having a light in my eyes that shined. I miss that.
  I see the world through a veil. It tints a sunny day gray, and leaves people nearby far away. I feel like I'm not there. Like I'm invisible. It pulls my eyes to things I can't see, to a point in space I can't touch.
This is how I felt today in ballet. I couldn't focus on what was being taught. I kept messing up the combinations but at least the teacher gave me corrections. That means he's paying attention so I can't be as invisible as I feel, and some part of him must believe in me, even if I can barely believe in myself.
This somber mood, in addition to my mother and her boyfriend picking me up is probably what led me to break my fast. 1 child sized yogurt ... with brownie :/ prob about 175. Still pretty good though :)
The morning started with Theater. We were in groups writing our own scripts and ours is a comedy and completely preposterous, so it was a good way to start the day. Sadly I then had a test in Spanish followed by one in AP, and I didn't understand my Pre-calc hw.
I had my measurements done and while they were far from ideal, they weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be.
Over all it was a good day, not perfect, but good. There's always tomorrow, I'll try again with fasting. It couldn't hurt to lose some weight before my auditions this weekend.
Goal updates:
Grades ~ 2% to go in chem; 3% to go in Spanish(extra credit opportunity!!!); 4% to go in AP
Weight ~ down 1lb! I <3 fasting and dance studios with the heat to high
To a better tomorrow and improvement each day

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


I feel better today. I've had two acceptable dance classes in a row, both on pointe shoes and both in front of the artistic director. But I'm so soar. I truly regret taking winter break off. I gained 3 pounds (2 of which I've lost) and I lost all of the flexibility I'd gained recently. Now auditions are in a matter of days and I would have felt so much better if I were thin and flexible. I won a prize in my Spanish class, and my grades have improved.
Sadly 4.0s aren't received for improvement. I can't bear the thought of losing that. It's the only perfect thing I have. The only undeniable piece of perfection in my life and I'm scared of what might happen if I lose that, of what I might do, of what I might not.
Tomorrow I'm having my measurements taken for costumes.  I think I might take one of the household's diuretics tonight, and I'll definitely fast tomorrow. Even so, I have a new goal for my costumes to be too big by the performance in May, 1 inch everywhere. On the that note, I was horrible today. A peer brought pastries for her birthday, and while that alone would not have been horrible I also took a cookie for sophomore day. It was all I could think about the rest of the day I regretted it so much. And then I went to my dad's. All he and my brother do is eat, filling the apartment with food and it's aromas and offering until I give in. I feel disgusting. Tomorrow I'll begin a food journal
 The few small improvements are there. But the permanent presence of my mother's boyfriend in the house trapping me in a darker place. To have my own mistakes haunt my dreams is torture enough. Watching helplessly as my mother makes dreadful decisions is killing me, and it's stressing the already strenuous relationship of facades and manipulation I have with her.
Goal updates:
Grades ~ 2% to go in honors Chemistry; 2% to go in Spanish 3 honors; 6% to go in AP European History
Weight~ ??? no scale right now
To improvement, to perfection, to a new way of life.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


I am addicted to perfection. To the perfect 4.0, to the perfect ballet body, to the perfect boy, to the perfect dream. I want everything to be perfect. Truth be told, nothing about me is. I'm watching as my 4.0 slips away, slowly giving up and giving in. I've let my body become bloated, round, thick, fatty. I've feigned family relationships to make life easy. I've tried to take the easy way out. I feel fake, dirty, cold.
But I want to reach my perfection again. I want to see my bones, to count my ribs, trace my pelvis, have hollowed spaces in my neck, see shadows in my cheeks and the small ridges of my spine. I want my braces off. I want my skin clear. I want my 4.0. I want a perfect ballet body, thinner than thin, flexible, beautiful. I want a perfect love. I want a world where I don't have to pretend.
After reading the blogs of some lovely ladies I've become inspired, and I'm going to strive for perfection again.
The quarter ends in a week and a half. I will have a 4.0 again by then.
My sixteenth birthday is in two and a half months, I will reach my goal weight by then.
I want to move to NYC for the next school year, I will stop pretending by then.
This blog starts today, and it won't be perfect, but it will help me to be.
I'm in a spiral of depression and this is my way to track the journey . I may hit rock bottom along the way, or maybe I already have. But once there the only direction is up, and every venture begins somewhere.
Be supportive, be honest, be inspirational, ask questions. I'd love to do the same for you.