I am addicted to perfection. To the perfect 4.0, to the perfect ballet body, to the perfect boy, to the perfect dream. I want everything to be perfect. Truth be told, nothing about me is. I'm watching as my 4.0 slips away, slowly giving up and giving in. I've let my body become bloated, round, thick, fatty. I've feigned family relationships to make life easy. I've tried to take the easy way out. I feel fake, dirty, cold.
But I want to reach my perfection again. I want to see my bones, to count my ribs, trace my pelvis, have hollowed spaces in my neck, see shadows in my cheeks and the small ridges of my spine. I want my braces off. I want my skin clear. I want my 4.0. I want a perfect ballet body, thinner than thin, flexible, beautiful. I want a perfect love. I want a world where I don't have to pretend.
After reading the blogs of some lovely ladies I've become inspired, and I'm going to strive for perfection again.
The quarter ends in a week and a half. I will have a 4.0 again by then.
My sixteenth birthday is in two and a half months, I will reach my goal weight by then.
I want to move to NYC for the next school year, I will stop pretending by then.
This blog starts today, and it won't be perfect, but it will help me to be.
I'm in a spiral of depression and this is my way to track the journey . I may hit rock bottom along the way, or maybe I already have. But once there the only direction is up, and every venture begins somewhere.
Be supportive, be honest, be inspirational, ask questions. I'd love to do the same for you.