Friday, January 13, 2012

The shores ...

Telling you in advance, this post is really random. Sorry it's been a few days. Someone found this before I was ready, and I was going to disappear, shut down, hide. But this is my sanctuary. I love this and I need this. So, if they're still being nosy that's their problem, and if they send me to a shrink before I'm ready it's a waste of their money. (and everyone's time)

Sorry for the little rant.

My friends don't know the real me, but strangers don't know who my friends do. Sometimes there's just always one more layer. Even for me, because I'm digging, and I still don't know who I want to be. I look in the mirror and have no idea what I am, I search my mind and have no idea who I am. I know I am "me", but I don't know what defines me. I'll search in every way I know how but I don't think I'll ever know. I think who we truly are is defined only at death and right now I'm just molding my clay. In the end I'll be marred, dried, hard, but the glaze will dull the scars.

I've heard it said we were made from earth's dust, I know dust is what we become.
Our mind is the water holding wet sand together, our thoughts every rough grain of sand.
Like the shore of the beach, we face life's horizon, unsure of storms yet to come.
But at the eye of the storm the horizon's still there, waiting to send life's next turn.
The sun both redeems us and gives light to our fears, The moon and the stars boundless goals.
The sea's endless masses our constant companions, it surrounds us and swallows us whole.
Each crash of the waves a new lesson learned, the shells a ghostly reminder.
The breeze off the sea is calming and cool, but life is teeming within us.

Okay, um, I'm not entirely certain where that came from. It just sort of happened. I suppose that's what I get for waking up at 2:30 a.m.
Unless something goes terribly wrong, I think I'll have my 4.0. *sigh of relief* and I lost that other lb. I'd gained back. Auditions again this weekend; hopefully my hip will cooperate. Jay, I overworked myself during auditions last weekend and strained the tendons in the front of my hip :/ It's fine for everyday normal human activities, but I can't lift it or turnout very well which is problematic for ballet. Rested it all week so we'll see how it does this weekend. I have a ton of AP homework I should be doing right now but I'll probably just do it during my other classes. I have a 2 or 3 of tests next week and then the quarter, and semester are over.
Fresh start with grades, new classes, gym (bitter/sweet), and sewing. and hopefully casting will go up in early February. I don't know if I can reach the ultimate goal of 86 lb by my birthday (2 months) but I also don't know that I want to anymore. I think it might be too unhealthy. I do want to reach 94 by my birthday, and 92 would be incredible.
Glad I chose to stay.
Love you lovely ladies! Don't let fear push you around. <3

1 comment:

  1. write so beautifully...i was just...captivated....Gud job on the 4.0!!! & the weight loss<3 & hope ur hip gets better soon dear, dont strain urself too much because it needs some time to heal so that u wont have more problems in the long run:)


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