Friday, January 6, 2012

Road block

Families are impossible. Tomorrow I fly out for auditions so my mom decided we were having dinner tonight, with her boyfriend. I started spending a little bit more time with my brother lately and neither of us wanted to be there or felt comfortable. We started messing with each other, thumb wars, joking, I was actually having fun, it felt really good. It felt right. At the end of dinner mother said we were driving her insane. She complained that we'd been talking all night. I asked her if she didn't want us to talk. She didn't say anything. My brother and I were silent the rest of the night with an agreement to signal and say "children are to be seen not heard" if addressed. We never had to signal each other. The worst part was the food though. I wasn't even hungry when we went in but when I pushed it away after a few bites mother gave me the most awful look. At least I filled up on salad so she didn't make me finish it.
I wanted to purge so badly, but I've never done it and I'm scared of all of the things that could happen. Especially since I already have acid reflex from stress. I'm spending tomorrow with my Aunt and I don't know how to get out of dinner. Lunch will be easy, I can just say I don't to be queasy at the audition. Same with breakfast Sunday morning. Does anyone have suggestions for dinner though? They never see me so I'm pretty sure it will be a sit down dinner.
All hope is not lost though. I obviously need to find a way to avoid dinner. Sunday will be good, as will next week. My grades are getting better too :) I'm trying to find the happy moments. I love the flashes I see of a thinner me. Even if they're surrounded by images of who I am; what I am. This body of flesh; of fat and tissues with memories that meander through every moment and permeate my mind manipulating my every action, my every choice.
I need to start fresh, I need to forget.
Goal updates ~
Grades: 1.2% to go in chem; 1% to go in Spanish; 4% to go in AP
We can do it lovely ladies!
Special thanks to tori-maki and stillimagining <3

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