Sunday, January 29, 2012

Not mine to destroy

As previously mentioned, I've been auditioning all month. It has been one of the longest months of my life. Of the 7 auditions, I've heard from five so far. (two were today and yesterday sooo...) Of the 5 I've heard from, I've been accepted to 3 1/2, (wait listed for one of them)
Last year there was a girl in my math class, she was tall and so thin. I envied her. Last summer we both went away to intensives. When we came back she was even thinner. I saw her again yesterday at an audition, and she's even thinner. I didn't think that was possible. She has the gap between her legs that I long for. Her thighs are no bigger than her calves, her derrière isn't there, and her cheeks are hollow. But her once perfect skin is now stretched thin and her face is marked with imperfections. She looks unhealthy, she looks as if she is soon to die. I told my mother that is too thin, that I don't want that. But I do. I know she must be nearing the brink of death, but death does not scare me.
It did once. It used to. Something would send me spinning and I would want to die, but I feared what death meant. Now I think of dying and I do not fear it. I don't quite long for it, but I don't fear it. Now when I'm spinning I tell myself "when I'm 18, when I've moved away, when it's my own life." When my dad found out I thought about suicide, he talked to me about it. He said he knew I wouldn't do it because it is the most selfish thing I could do, and he does not believe I am that selfish. I cling to that last thread of trust. But he's right. I think of my mother, I think of my father, I think of my brother. I think of what it would do to them, and of what it would to to their lives, to their futures. It is my choice, but their lives and futures are not mine to destroy.
I wish I were small and insignificant enough that I could disappear and no one would notice. I wish I were small enough that I could fade into the woodwork and never have to reappear. But I am not. I am trapped on this planet forced to live.
Today we went out to eat. When we came home my mother and I were sick. Tonight I got on the scale thinking i would be so small. I felt smaller, but instead I was up .3 lbs. I had tricked my mind into believing I was thin! I did not think that was possible and it should not be possible, because I treated myself in response. I need to forget about treats.
Now to turn the page, My room is much improved. It's not organized, but it's ready to be. I hate to admit that this is an accomplishment, but everything is out from under my bed, and everything is out of my closet. I have a ton of clean clothes on my bed, a load in the wash and more in baskets to be washed. I have a bag full of old pointe shoes that I have no idea what to do with, and a small backpack full of bags. I also have 2 boxes of junk, which is where the "ready to be organized" comes in. I'm trying to condense all of the songs/poems/quotes/journal entries I've written on paper over the years into one notebook so I don't have 3 copies of the same thing scattered throughout the universe. Now I just need to lose 5 pounds in a month and catch up on my schooling. And um, finish organizing and cleaning. I'm more of a "get this party started" person, and have some troubles wrapping things up.
I'm going to try and be on here every day again :) I miss all of you, and I miss writing.

Special thanks <3 to:
Emma Phoenix
Marla Singer
~ Thank you all :) I'm going to be attending :D I can't wait, and I can't wait to get out of here. Sometimes a change of scenery is good <3

Stay strong lovely girls! I  hope your scenery is picturesque <3

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Comments are always welcome! I could use your support and advice.