Monday, January 9, 2012

To be Honest ...

Before you read this I want you to know it's not happy, but it's true. It's only a small beginning, because I cannot truly express what I feel. I've suppressed my emotions for too many years. I also want you to know that it would mean the world to me if you read it, because this is the most honest I've ever been.

This summer and last year I would constantly have a vision. Wandering the halls, standing in class, waiting.
I fall through the floor.
I collapse.
I am in a dark room with walls and floors smooth; and cool to the touch.
No one is there.
It is silent.
I don't cry for help.
Then I watch, floating, as my body curls into a fetal position or sprawls across the cool small space. Embracing the chill. I watch as my body wastes away. It seems painless, beautiful, peaceful.

And then I am awake, brought back to the world that is my present. To a too bright sun and too many smiles. To an image of perfection; about to shatter. Weak, feeble, brittle.
Every day tips me closer to an inevitable fall. A fall into misery, a fall into pain, a fall into a revealing. Everything I hear has double meaning, and in my mind fear of being found out and hope that someone has noticed war within me. I am too afraid of my facade being removed. I am too afraid of my fragile image being crushed in understanding. But at the same time I want more than anything for someone to understand. I want someone to understand that my grades mean everything to me, that they are the very future I cling to. I want someone to understand what it feels like to have my mother compete with me, objectify me, display me. I want someone to understand what it's like to need to cry, and be unable to tell why. I want someone to understand that I feel unloved, and unlovable. To understand what it feels like for every normal hope and dream to be out of reach. I want someone to understand what it feels like to never forget a mistake, to never forgive myself, even when I forgive someone else. I want someone to understand what it feels like to never feel beautiful, to never feel good enough, to never feel proud, or happy, or accomplished. I want someone to understand what it feels like to not find the words, to be lost within their own mind and thoughts. To feel numb, invisible. I want someone to understand what it feels like to have nowhere to turn, nowhere to run, no one to hold or be held by, no control, no love, no pleasure. I want someone to understand what it feels like to always be playing your cards. I want someone to understand what it feels like to never fit in, because you don't exist, because you don't know who or what you are. I want someone to understand what it feels like to always be unsure, to always feel betrayed by themselves. I want someone to understand what it feels like to want to die. I want someone to understand what it feels like to see no future for yourself. I want someone to understand what it feels like to be me.
I know you lovely girls might feel some of this. And I am so sorry if you do. No matter how much I wish some one understood, I would not wish this on anyone. I know some of you will empathize. I know for some it's worse. I know I can't be the only one. But at the same time, I don't know that.
We can only see what people want us to see. We can only understand what they explain.
I feel like a black hole, a brilliant star that has destroyed itself. Void of all light, trapping it, concealing it, losing it.
My mother used to do everything for me. Support me in all I do. looking back I feel like it was all for her, all for show.
Now I'm in high school, and my parents are divorced. She's shorter than me, and weighs 60-70 lb more. She wants to be thinner than me. I swear she wants me to be as big as her, and the thought has me terrified. She is partying, she's wasting the little money we have. She's dating and making horrible decisions supporting boyfriend after boyfriend when we can't even pay the mortgage, and she has the gal to ask me for advice.
When I was little, maybe 5 or 6, all I dreamed of was a normal family afternoon. I don't know how many times I drew the same picture of my parents happy on a blanket with me and my brother on the swings. That's all I wanted, one happy afternoon.
When I started middle school all I wanted was my mother to help me through. And all she did was ruin it. The second I thought a boy liked me she started competing with me. She never let a moment pass without telling me about all of the guys flirting with her on the Internet.
I am her, currently, 15 year old daughter. To hear my mother tell stories of strangers objectifying her is ... indescribable.
And now I fear relationships.
Now I'm in high school and all I want is to disappear.
I have friends who are madly in love, and I can't even look at myself in the mirror. The thought that anyone could love me seems impossible; and the thought of someone touching me, holding me, is both my deepest desire, and darkest fear.
luv you ladies as much as I can <3 

1 comment:

  1. my dear...I wish I could just pull you in and hold you really really tight...oh how very well I know those feelings and if only we could be rid of them but at the same time there's that level of security associated with being trapped in ourselves...I was like that too about grades. When I first started high school, straight As, preIB all honors, the future looked good. Come depression. My first B. Its the end of the world. Come my first C. I don't believe in myself anymore. My life is over. no college is going to want me. Thats what I told myself. some say its delusional, to cling on to your grades as if they are your life but your future depends on it. I'm a junior now. And I have a 3.5 GPA. I wanted to die. Still do at times. But I've learned to accept whats been done. No use regretting. All I can do is handle what I have. It may not be the best but it is never too late because there are always more opportunities. It doesn't really matter so much what college you go to, but rather how well you do, what job you get, if you love what you do, and to do it well. People go to community college with awful grades for 2 years. Do better. Start over. And end up going to UC Berekley, UCLA, Harvard even. It just shows it is never the end. It isn't over. And I'm pretty sure you'll do really well:) But for ppl like us, it isnt really about what we love is it? Its about that facade of perfection, of pleasing who we want to please but they will never pleased no matter how well we do...I know how stressful it is & to cling so desperately to that 4.0 that is perfection. I'm not telling you to let go of it because its really great, but the level of stress it gives. I just want you to know that nothing is the end of the world. That even when you cant achieve perfection. Its OK because there are always more opportunities. Stress inhibits your ability to think well and do as well in your studies as you would have done. High school love is short-lived and few couples ever make it out of high school & usually fall apart. It is like you see a facade, a phase...but dear, you do deserve to be loved no matter how much you tell yourself you don't. I'm sure there are ppl who love you, your mother (it may not seem so but I'm sure she does, she just has her own insecurity issues that she's struggling with. The way she tries to "compete" w/ you just shows that she is dissatisfied w/ herself and is putting all the pressure of what she didn't achieve on u. as is common w/ a lot of parents I'm sad to say). Relationships r frightening because we lead very secretive and private lives that we don't want ppl to find out, yet at the same time we wish for someone to understand because it rly is so lonesome. I've opened up to a few people before and its really helped so much. Its really hard to muster up the courage, but just someone u can trust, try, it will help a lot & ull realize that someone really does care and love u because u rly ARE loveable<3 I think you're really brilliant, a beautiful shining bright star but all this insecurity and stress is getting in the way. There are deeper issues and you need to open up to someone in your real life who can continuously support you through these struggles<3 & once u get past them oh how lovely and brightly you will shine! stay strong! & you ARE VERY loveable:)


Comments are always welcome! I could use your support and advice.