I feel better today. I've had two acceptable dance classes in a row, both on pointe shoes and both in front of the artistic director. But I'm so soar. I truly regret taking winter break off. I gained 3 pounds (2 of which I've lost) and I lost all of the flexibility I'd gained recently. Now auditions are in a matter of days and I would have felt so much better if I were thin and flexible. I won a prize in my Spanish class, and my grades have improved.
Sadly 4.0s aren't received for improvement. I can't bear the thought of losing that. It's the only perfect thing I have. The only undeniable piece of perfection in my life and I'm scared of what might happen if I lose that, of what I might do, of what I might not.
Tomorrow I'm having my measurements taken for costumes. I think I might take one of the household's diuretics tonight, and I'll definitely fast tomorrow. Even so, I have a new goal for my costumes to be too big by the performance in May, 1 inch everywhere. On the that note, I was horrible today. A peer brought pastries for her birthday, and while that alone would not have been horrible I also took a cookie for sophomore day. It was all I could think about the rest of the day I regretted it so much. And then I went to my dad's. All he and my brother do is eat, filling the apartment with food and it's aromas and offering until I give in. I feel disgusting. Tomorrow I'll begin a food journal
The few small improvements are there. But the permanent presence of my mother's boyfriend in the house trapping me in a darker place. To have my own mistakes haunt my dreams is torture enough. Watching helplessly as my mother makes dreadful decisions is killing me, and it's stressing the already strenuous relationship of facades and manipulation I have with her.
Grades ~ 2% to go in honors Chemistry; 2% to go in Spanish 3 honors; 6% to go in AP European History
Weight~ ??? no scale right now
To improvement, to perfection, to a new way of life.