Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Flippant ...

To write anything after last night feels flippant and of little consequence in comparison, but I can't abandon my only outlet because I don't feel worthy of it right now either.  I suppose it comes with the territory of being numb. Moments of unbearable pain, and moments with nothing to bear. The result of seeing the world through a veil and showing only a semblance of a human being.
My grades seem to be at a standstill. We got our PLAN test (pre-ACT) results today and they were a bit better than the PSAT (pre-SAT). 99th percentile vs. 96th or 4th, can't remember :P I had an injury so I took it easy and slowly in ballet today. Sadly, I did not avoid the cookies. But I did ask my mother to buy some fruit and veggies next time, and some turkey. I've decided to eat small amounts of these things instead because fasting, at this time, is too difficult for me. Maybe in a week or two. But I don't want to keep binging just because I can't control a fast yet, so I'm going to start by simply limiting my intake. I start gym next semester and that should help because of the cardio and my self enforced lack of access to food at school. I teased a friend at school today about her crush, complained about a broken shoe, and felt almost ... normal. It felt fake, but it felt normal.
stillimagining, thank you so much. I almost came to tears again reading your comment. I cannot thank you enough and I hope that I can see things that way too someday (: reading it helped me get through the day.
Goal updates:
Grades ~ same as yesterday :/
weight ~ same as yesterday :(
We can do it! We will get through it! It'll just be a bumpy road. <3

Update ~
The feeling of deep breath, a real breath, is amazing. And it's the smallest things that let you take one. (: I hope every girl out there took at least one wonderful breath today, because since we're stuck here breathing, we might as well enjoy a few.

1 comment:

  1. good girl, fasting won't help you at all...it'll simply stop your metabolism. it's a good thing that you'll start some cardio, that burns a lot!!
    i'm sorry for your injury, what happened?
    by the way, nice blog! i'm following you, hope you'll follow back!
    Kiss, Jay :)


Comments are always welcome! I could use your support and advice.